We all have that little voice.  The one that says you can’t, or you should, or you shouldn’t, or you won’t.  Mine is constantly telling me that if I’m not perfect, then I’m not good enough.  I mean, I’m already stupid and lazy and annoying, so I better be fucking perfect in everything I do, or no one will ever love me!  Because I won’t deserve it.  I’m tellin ya, this bitch is mean.  “You’re not strong enough, you’re not good enough, you can’t do it!”  (Imagine that in a really whiney voice, coming out of a tiny little sour puss face).  I’m guessing everyone struggles with their own Negative Nelly from time to time, but when my friend named hers “the bitch on my shoulder,” somehow it helped me start to take my power back a little bit.  Cause really, this bitch is just ridiculous!

But that long description of all my fears is just to say that I seriously struggle with perfectionism.  It can be crippling.  Because if I can’t do it perfectly, I probably shouldn’t do it at all, because the imperfect end result will just draw everyone’s attention to how not perfect I am.  And yes, I realize that this is all a lot of nonsense, but it is really hard to logic away dumb feelings… as of writing this, I haven’t managed to publish a post in almost two weeks, solely because I was having a wee bout of the self-doubts.  After nearly five years of sobriety, and a fuck ton of work on myself along the way, that bitch is still giving me grief!

So why am I telling you all this?  Because perfectionism, and the uptight, anxiety-driven mania it creates in me, is constantly trying to ruin my travels.  And I’m probably not the only one.  And it is so much harder to enjoy my life and feel free enough to explore the world when I feel like everyone is watching and judging me, and every mistake or missed opportunity or embarrassing moment is the end of the world.

Early in sobriety, when I was still in a million little pieces and all my thoughts were still pretty snarky, I came up with the most ridiculous mantra.  “You’re not that important, and nobody cares.”  Sounds mean, right?  But it helped me remember that I am not the center of the universe.  The world will not prosper or perish based on what I decide to eat for dinner.  My actions have effects, but not the earth shattering importance I was giving them!  And even though I always felt like the whole world was watching me and judging me and finding me wanting, nobody cares about strangers that much.  Think back on the past week – do you remember a single stranger you encountered?  And even if you do remember that chick who knocked over all the cans in the soup display at the grocery store, I’m willing to bet you couldn’t pick her out of a crowd if your life depended on it.  This probably seems to simple and obvious, but it blew my fucking mind.  And it set me free.

These are the things I have to tell myself over and over, and especially when I’m planning a trip or trotting around the globe:

• You cannot win at vacation, dummy.
• You also cannot do it perfectly.  Perfect travel is not a thing that exists. And even if it did, perfection is boring.
• The fate of the world does not hang in the balance of which hotel you choose.
• If you try to control everything, you’re going to give yourself an aneurism.
• You will never, ever see and do and eat every single thing in a place you visit.  Never.  Do what you do and leave it alone, you can always come back again later.
• The best trips have always been the ones where we left a lot of room to explore.
• No one is watching you, especially when you’re traveling, so do what you want to do and stop worrying about what random strangers think of your actions!
• Don’t schedule more than about 1/3 of your time.
• Remember, you’re not going to Cuba.  You can buy the things you forgot to pack, and use your credit card, and the internet exists, and it is possible to plan on the fly.  You can always figure it out later.

(One of these days I’m going to have to write about my trip to Cuba so all y’all can understand just what I’m talking about.  I know I reference it a lot.  It is my benchmark for a trip where prior planning is essential because everything is harder than it needs to be!)

Now I should point out that despite all my progress in letting myself be imperfect and letting go of my own self importance, I am still a completely insane person.  My favorite thing to do is read a guidebook cover-to-cover, and then make a fucking spreadsheet with all the stuff to see and do and eat, organized by neighborhood.  And then add in bits and pieces that I find on social media and the interwebs and by word of mouth and what have you.  BUT, and this is the key here, even though I print out these spreadsheets and bring them with me, I know there’s no way I could do everything on them.  Somehow, having this organized document with all the possibilities helps me let go a little bit, because I’ve got all my scatterbrained thoughts and ideas together.  So when I want something, some idea I had or restaurant I heard about, I’m not left scrambling in the dark recesses of my little ADD brain!  Does it make sense?  I don’t know, but I fucking love making a good spreadsheet, so I’m gonna keep doing it.  And they’ll probably only get more insane as time goes on.  And that is ok with me!

My point is just this – when I relax and take it easy, live life on life’s terms and go with the flow, I have the brain space left to stay in the moment and just enjoy it.  I was never fully present during my active addiction days, because I was always worried about what was next.  Because just like whomever said, perfection is the enemy of progress, and I am only interested in progress, not perfection.  One day at a mother fucking time.