Ahh, the most wonderful time of the year. Right?
That’s what we’ve been told our whole lives, but is it, really? No matter where you fall on the “holiday cheer” spectrum, the next six weeks are pretty much guaranteed to be a lot. A parade of over-indulgence, travel chaos, complicated family dynamics, huge expectations, and short, dark days – with a sprinkling of tinsel and twinkly lights to distract from the bleakness.
There’s a lot to look forward to – for me, the food especially – but there’s also a lot of physical and emotional disruption. Maybe you love the holidays but feel pressure to make every single year “the best one ever.” Maybe you dread them because they never live up to the Hallmark version in your head.
Maybe you have a family that is A Lot this time of year. Maybe you have a family you’d rather not spend time with. Maybe you have no family at all. You might travel or stay home, have too much togetherness or too much aloneness, feel pressure to say yes when you’d rather scream no. There can be a lot of grief and guilt stitched into this season.
For me, there’s often an undercurrent of shame – for all the years I was a total shit show, the pain I caused my family, and the way I still worry they see me as that same person. And then there are the moments when they know exactly how to push my buttons and dig into my deepest insecurities, say the one thing that makes me lose it, use that tone of voice that makes me feel small and stupid.
An uncle will almost certainly stir the pot just because he likes to start shit. Someone will get too drunk and make me feel both guilty and sad (so many layers). Someone will say something that makes me question why I traveled across state lines at all. And in my family, there is ALWAYS a 50/50 chance of someone leaving in a storm of yelling and tears.
And here’s the kicker: I love my family, and I love the holiday season in general.
So this year, I’m preparing myself for the emotional chaos and compiling a spiritual tool kit in this guide. Believe you me, this is partially for purely selfish reasons, but I hope it helps you, too. I want us to have a roadmap to staying grounded, joyful, and safe. I want those of us who start the season sober to end the season sober. And, ideally, I’d like nobody to get punched in the face.
Happy holidays, y’all. Stay curious, and don’t forget to bring some snacks – and this guide – along for the ride.
💠 Navigate This Holiday Survival Guide
PRE-HOLIDAY: TIME FOR A MINDSET RESET
The Expectation Detox
My number one piece of advice going into the holiday season?
Lower.
Your.
Expectations.
Like, throw them out the window and assume things are going to be at least a little bit of a shit show. Travel will get weird. Someone will cry. Someone will say something absolutely unhinged at the dinner table.
Okay, maybe don’t swing all the way to full doom and gloom – hope and excitement are allowed, and honestly pretty great – but go ahead and let go of the idea that everything will be perfect and magical every single moment for the next six weeks. You already know it won’t be. There are simply too many variables completely outside your control.
Instead of demanding perfection from yourself and your experiences, decide what you really want from this season. Do you want a few meaningful moments with your family? To actually enjoy the winter weather? To share traditions with a partner? To give back in a way that feels real? To bring someone else a little bit of joy?
Pick a goal that’s simple, attainable, and at least partially outside of yourself – and then look for the ways you’re achieving it, not the ways you’re falling short.
Remember, the internet is lying to you. Those perfect photos? The camera is pointed away from the mess. No one is coming to document your perfectly curated holiday, or your chaotic one, so you can stop acting like you’re living on a stage.
Give yourself permission to do less than you think you “should.” Honestly, should is the worst word. Why should you be living up to anyone else’s expectations in the first place? I heard recently that the only people you really need to impress are your past child self and your future old-lady self, and that is exactly the energy I’m bringing into the holidays this year.
And if your brain is full of ADHD monkeys like mine, now is a great time to decide that your first reaction to any request or invitation will be “no.” My default is usually yes – I think I “should,” I overcommit, then burn myself out and end up disappointing everyone, including myself. A default “no” creates a little pause so you can ask, “Does this actually work for me?” before you say yes.
Know Where Your Buttons Are — And How They Might Be Triggered
Preparation is your best defense against both emotional and sobriety-related landmines. When you know where the danger zones are — the places where your defenses weaken or your old behaviors try to sneak back in — you can actually plan for them.
If you’re new to sobriety, feeling tender, or just know this season might get messy, make a physical list. There is enormous power in naming things out loud or writing them down.
Think through these categories:
1. Emotional Triggers
(family tension, loneliness, grief, guilt, shame, fear)
Ask:
- What sets me off?
- Why does it make me feel this way?
- What story does my brain tell when this happens?
Examples:
- Being alone on Thanksgiving → loneliness → “My life is meaningless.”
- A relative getting too drunk → shame + sadness → “I should have fixed them like I fixed myself.”
- A parent’s tone → insecurity → “I’ll never be good enough.”
2. Sensory or Travel Triggers
(noise, crowds, exhaustion, overstimulation, hunger, tight spaces)
Ask:
- When does my nervous system shut down?
- What overwhelms me fastest?
Examples:
- Going straight from travel exhaustion into a loud family dinner
- Crowded malls, bright lights, chaos
- Unexpected hugs from twenty distant cousins
- Long delays at the airport
3. Substance-Related Triggers
(anything that pokes at your sobriety)
Examples:
- Seeing old drinking buddies
- Family members who make you feel 15 again
- Annual events you used to drink or use at
- Environments where you always used alcohol as a tool
Knowing your triggers doesn’t make you weak — it makes you prepared.
Make a Plan — How to Avoid, Side-Step, or Cope in a Healthy Way
Now that you’ve identified the danger zones, it’s time to build your Holiday Survival Blueprint. This part always feels more empowering and hopeful — it’s where you take your power back.
Here’s your roadmap:
1. Decide what you’ll do for each trigger
For every “thing that could ruin your day,” choose one of the following:
- Avoid (don’t go, don’t engage)
- Escape (excuse yourself, step outside, leave early)
- Cope (use tools, redirect, breathe, snack, reset)
Cookies count as coping, btw.
For nuanced ideas, see the Emotional Survival Toolkit.
2. Choose Your MUSTS
These are your non-negotiables — the things that protect your stability.
Examples:
- Sleep
- Food
- Hydration
- Boundaries
- Alone time
- Movement
- Sobriety
- Morning routine
- Medication
- Your text-vent chain
If your MUSTS get tossed out the window, everything gets harder.
3. Create a gentle structure (not a rigid schedule)
Over-planning leads to disappointment. Under-planning leads to chaos.
Aim for something in between:
- A sense of what’s happening each day
- A loose order of events
- A couple anchors (morning walk, evening call, etc.)
- Margin for overwhelm
- Margin for surprise joy
- Margin for escape
Your brain likes knowing what’s coming, even vaguely.
4. Build in pleasure & comfort
Think:
- Cozy breakfasts
- A movie ritual
- A quiet morning routine
- Snacks in your bag
- A massage booked for after the last holiday event
- A fancy mocktail to sip during chaos
Self-care is not indulgent — it’s armor.
5. Pick a “Why” for the Season
What matters most to you?
- Connection?
- Kindness?
- Stability?
- Peace?
- Gratitude?
- Rest?
- Joy?
- Survival with minimal crying?
Hold onto that Why. Let it guide the decisions you make.
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THE EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL TOOLKIT
The holidays can be emotionally… spicy. Between the crowds, the travel delays, the family dynamics, the loneliness, the overstimulation, and the general “holiday insanity,” your nervous system might be ready to tap dance right over the edge.
This toolkit is your “break glass in case of chaos” guide — a menu of strategies you can use anytime, anywhere, whether you’re in an airport bathroom, trapped in a family argument, or crying into store-bought mashed potatoes at 11 p.m.
Bookmark it. Screenshot it. Tattoo it on your emotional support water bottle. Whatever works.
🍫 Snacks
If you want to kill somebody?
You might just need to eat.
Snacks fix more problems than therapy sometimes. Don’t question it — just chew.
💤 Turn Yourself Off & On Again
If you want to kill yourself (emotionally speaking)…
You might just be exhausted.
A nap is not just allowed — it is a health intervention.
📞 Your “PHONE a Friend” Person
Someone to whom you can actually say:
“I’m losing my shit at Target, please talk me down.”
Pick someone who knows you well and won’t make you feel judged for having big, messy, human feelings.
📱 A Text Vent Chain
A safe place to send:
- “You will NOT believe what just happened.”
- “Why do families exist?”
- “If Aunt Irma says one more thing about my life choices…”
Group chats are sacred.
🧘 Calming Breathwork
Two favorites:
- Box Breathing: 4 in → 4 hold → 4 out → 4 hold
- 4-7-8 Breathing: in for 4 → hold for 7 → out for 8
Breathing is free therapy.
🧩 Distraction Tools
Sometimes, emotions simply need a timeout.
- Simple phone games
- Puzzles
- Coloring apps
- Silly videos
- Comfort TV
If your brain won’t calm down, give it a toy.
🧘♂️ Guided Meditations
Insight Timer, YouTube, or any app you like.
The bathroom at a family gathering is the perfect meditation studio. Trust me.
🌍 Grounding Techniques
The goal: get out of your thoughts and back into your body.
Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Method and list
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
Or a simple full body scan from toes to scalp.
✨ Reframing the Chaos
Look for the tiny silver lining:
- Flight delayed? → More time to read guilt-free.
- Relative pushing your buttons? → Excellent chance to practice boundaries.
- Snow a pain in your ass? → Also objectively beautiful.
Reframing doesn’t deny reality — it softens it.
📓 Journaling (AKA ranting onto a page)
Dump your feelings somewhere safe instead of onto other humans.
It prevents 90% of interpersonal disasters.
🔁 Mantras
Pick one that comforts you:
- “I am good enough, I am strong enough, and I can do this.”
- “This is out of my control, and that’s okay.”
- “Right here, right now, I am OK.”
- “We will get there when we get there.”
- “This too shall pass.”
- “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.”
Say it until your brain stops screaming.
🧠 Remember the Humanity Around You
Everyone around you — EVERYONE — is also stressed, tired, stretched thin, and trying their best.
It’s not their fault when things go wrong.
And being a dick never makes anything better.
Ever.
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SURVIVING HOLIDAY TRAVEL
’Tis the season to get stuck in an airport, white-knuckle your way through a snowstorm, and spend an uncomfortable amount of time trapped in motion with other human beings — many of whom you love, some of whom you… tolerate.
Holiday travel is its own special brand of chaos. The crowds are bigger, the lines are longer, the weather is moodier, and the vibes are unhinged. But with the right mindset (and the right snacks), you can survive it without fully losing your marbles.
Below are some strategies to help you make it through the journey without crying in an airport bathroom — or at least without doing it twice.
Plan Like a Pro — and Then Prepare to Pivot
Go ahead and assume that something will go wrong. Delays, detours, cancellations, crowds, broken coffee machines, unhinged seatmates — all of it is on the table. Heading into this with low expectations and flexible hope can save your sanity.
If everything goes off without a hitch?
Congratulations, you just won the holiday travel lottery.
A few practical tips:
- Don’t stack important plans immediately after you arrive. Travel isn’t the place to gamble with timing.
- Prep your emergency supplies before you leave — chargers, meds, warm layers, backup directions, etc.
- Pack enough snacks and entertainment to get you through a delay, a diversion, or an impromptu airport sleepover.
- Build self-care into the journey: hydrate, stretch, eat something real, listen to a calming meditation, and try not to go full gremlin on your seatmate.
- Driving? Plan to stop every 2–3 hours to move your body and refresh your brain.
- Make a backup plan for missed flights, full trains, icy roads, or whatever else could go sideways. Having a “Plan B” (and maybe a “Plan C”) gives your nervous system a fighting chance.
Holiday travel is really just one long exercise in surrender. If you can let go of control, you might even find the chaos a little funny.
Make a Travel-Time Survival Kit
When you’re moving through the world with 523,000 other holiday travelers, the right little comforts can make a hugedifference. Your kit should address:
- Physical needs: hunger, temperature, overstimulation, exhaustion
- Emotional needs: frustration, boredom, stress
- Logistical needs: navigation, power, hydration
Here’s a starter packing list:
- Snacks (plural — salty and sweet)
- Water or a refillable water bottle
- Charger cords + a power bank
- Headphones (aka the world’s smallest peace treaty)
- Cozy wearables: sweater, wrap, pashmina, fuzzy socks
- Fidget toys
- Eye mask / neck pillow
- A mini “mocktail kit” if NA drinks are your thing
- Emergency car kit: jumper cables, tire inflator, AAA card
- Entertainment: books, podcasts, music, shows — pick things that keep you in a good mental space
- Emotional management tools: grounding exercises, guided meditations, breathwork
- (See the full Emotional Survival Toolkit for all the strategies.)
And here’s the mindset piece:
Everyone around you is going through the exact same thing.
It is NOT their fault when things go wrong.
Being a dick will not make anything better.
Repeat as needed.
Bonus Tip: Pre-Travel Grounding
Before you even head out the door, check in with yourself:
- Did I sleep?
- Did I eat?
- Do I feel rushed?
- Am I entering this day already overwhelmed?
A two-minute reset before you leave can save you from a full meltdown in Terminal B.
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SURVIVING FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Welcome back to the land of childhood triggers, unsolicited opinions, and people who still see you as the version of yourself that existed three self-help books, 84 therapy sessions, and a full personality glow-up ago.
It’s a lot.
It’s always a lot.
So how do we survive without losing ourselves? How do we hold onto the growth we’ve worked so hard for? How do we keep from punching that one troublesome uncle in the face?
Below are some social strategies to help you navigate the stormy seas of holiday gatherings with your sanity — and your sobriety — intact.
1. Set Boundaries Before You Arrive
People can’t honor boundaries they’ve never heard. Let folks know:
- what you’re willing to do,
- what you’re not willing to do, and
- what will send you directly into the bathroom for a silent meltdown.
You cannot control how people respond.
You cannot make them respect your boundaries.
But the good ones will try — or at least try to try.
2. Remember That “No” Is a Complete Sentence
You do not owe anyone a long explanation for why you’re declining something.
“No, thank you.”
“I’m good.”
“Not for me this year.”
That’s enough.
And you don’t need to get mad at them for asking. Just deliver your “no” calmly and move on like the healthy adult you’re pretending to be.
3. Decide on Your Answers Ahead of Time
Some questions are harmless. Some are landmines. All of them are easier to handle when you’re not caught off guard.
You can tell the truth if it feels right.
You can deflect with humor.
You can lie creatively and with great dignity.
All are acceptable forms of self-preservation.
Common holiday interrogation topics include:
- “Why aren’t you drinking?”
- “Why aren’t you married?”
- “When are you having kids?”
- “Why don’t you eat gluten?”
- “So… what are you doing with your life?”
If honesty helps you, use it. If it stresses you out, provide the polite version:
- “I’m on antibiotics.”
- “I’m doing what’s right for me.”
- “I’m focusing on joy this year.”
- “Because gluten hates me, Deborah.”
4. …But Don’t Read Too Much Into the Questions
It’s astonishing how quickly I assume someone is asking me something with judgment, malice, or disappointment — when actually? They’re just awkward. Or curious. Or bad with words. Or, frankly, an idiot.
Save yourself the emotional energy and assume neutrality unless proven otherwise.
5. Create Micro-Escapes
When things get overwhelming, remember this critical truth:
You are allowed to leave the room.
You can:
- Step outside for air
- Go for a walk
- “Run an errand”
- Hide in the bathroom
- Take the dog out
- Stand in the garage and aggressively sort recycling
- Sit in your car for 7 minutes and 43 seconds listening to Florence + The Machine
Whatever resets you? You can do that.
6. Plan Your Escape (Yes, Before You Get There)
Every potentially triggering event deserves a built-in exit strategy.
- Arrive in your own car.
- Don’t park where you can get blocked in.
- Pre-arrange a “rescue call” from a friend.
- Have a canned excuse ready to go (“Early morning! Cat emergency! Sudden need for silence!”).
Knowing you can leave makes it easier to show up in the first place.
7. Set Up Your Support Crew
Identify your people:
- A sibling who can swoop in when your cousin starts drinking like a pirate
- A friend you can text-vent during awkward conversations
- A sober buddy who can hype you up before and after the event
Let them know what you need from them.
You don’t have to do any of this alone.
You shouldn’t, honestly.
8. Identify Which Fights Are Not Worth Having
You know exactly which relatives will say the thing that tries to drag you into a debate.
Decide in advance:
- Are you going to engage?
- Or are you going to smile, make a joke, and walk away?
Your mother might say that’s rude, but you know what’s ruder? Screaming “YOU’RE A MENACE, CAROL” across the mashed potatoes. Walking away is growth.
9. Give Yourself Permission to Take Care of You
Your mental well-being is not up for negotiation.
If you need to leave? Leave.
If you need to sit outside for 20 minutes? Do it.
If you need to tell the person you drove that they can Uber home? Say the words.
Being an adult means acknowledging:
You’re allowed to protect your peace, even if someone else doesn’t like it.
10. Start Events in the Best Shape You Can
Before you walk into a gathering, do a quick self-check:
- Am I hungry?
- Am I tired?
- Am I emotionally scrambled?
- Do I need a drink of water?
- Do I need five minutes of quiet in the car before I go in?
Avoid the dreaded H.A.L.T. — hungry, angry, lonely, tired — and you’ll avoid 83% of holiday meltdowns.
For more strategies, check out the Emotional Survival Toolkit, which has grounding techniques, reframing exercises, breathwork, mantras, and more.
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SURVIVING SOLITUDE
Whether by choice or by circumstance, being alone during the holidays can feel… complicated. This time of year is marketed as one big montage of family, friends, connection, and matching pajamas — so if you find yourself alone, it’s easy to feel like you’re doing something “wrong.”
You’re not.
Being alone for the holidays doesn’t HAVE to be sad. With a little intention, it can be peaceful, meaningful, restorative, and even delicious. (In this house, cozy food is absolutely a love language.)
Here are a few ways to soften the edges of solitude and turn it into something genuinely beautiful.
Craft a Solo Sanctuary Day
Think of this as a mini wellness retreat — built entirely around you.
Some ideas:
- Feed yourself well: prep or order cozy comfort food. (For my birthday, I ordered Caviar & Chips and had an absolute banquet for one. 10/10 recommend.)
- Create a movie lineup: holiday classics… or absolutely-not-holiday classics. Whatever feels right.
- Build a self-care ritual: bath, face mask, candles, warm socks, soft blankets — go full hibernation queen.
- Spend time in nature: a walk in cold air can be downright medicinal.
- Write letters or cards: connection doesn’t have to be synchronous.
- Set up little pockets of joy: fresh flowers, a good book, a craft project, a playlist that hits you right in the heart.
The point is to be alone with intention, rather than by default.
Choose Connection on Your Own Terms
Being alone does not mean being isolated. There are so many ways to create community, even (and especially) during the holidays.
Some options:
- Drop-in volunteering: food banks, shelters, community centers. Nothing reorients your heart faster than being helpful.
- Host a “Friendsgiving” or holiday for the solo crew: your friends may know other folks who are alone too — gather them like glitter.
- Plan a virtual meetup: Zoom dinners, movie watch parties, or “just chatting” calls count.
- Join a local event for solo holiday-ers: community centers, libraries, and churches often host inclusive gatherings.
One of my favorite memories is when a friend set her laptop at the dining table so a solo guest could join on Zoom. She had a place setting and everything. Heartwarming and hilarious.
If You’re Sober and Alone This Holiday Season
You have so many options for community:
- Most cities have a holiday “marathon meeting” — AA, NA, Al-Anon, SMART, etc.
- AA.org can direct you to 24-hour Zoom meetings.
- Online sober communities are extra active this time of year and incredibly welcoming.
You’re not alone, even when you’re physically alone.
The Choice You Do Have
Here’s the truth:
If you’re alone this holiday season, you still get to choose —
You can choose solitude, or you can choose connection.
Both options are valid. Both belong to you.
There is no “right” way to do the holidays. There is only the way that keeps you grounded, safe, nourished, and sane.
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SURVIVING SOBERLY
Just like with travel, the holiday season is a time when many people decide that “nothing counts.” For a lot of us, that used to mean eating whatever we wanted, drinking whatever we wanted, and processing absolutely none of our feelings.
You’re not alone in that sentiment — and you’re not weak for feeling the pull now.
Between holiday parties, travel exhaustion, family shenanigans, old friends, old haunts, and old patterns, it’s incredibly easy for feelings to get big and slippery. And big, slippery feelings are often just one tiny step away from picking up a drink or going back to old coping mechanisms.
The holidays can truly be the most wonderful and the most dangerous time of the year.
So beyond protecting your mental health (with your Emotional Survival Toolkit), here are the strategies that can help you protect your sobriety — and make this season easier, kinder, and more grounded.
Thriving During Party Time
You can go to parties and stay sober. You just need to go in prepared — and on your own terms.
Arrive Early, Leave Early
The later the hour, the louder the chaos. If you’re there before the hard drinking starts, you get the fun without the fallout.
BYOB (Bring Your Own Beverage)
Mocktails, fancy NA beer, sparkling water — whatever feels celebratory for you. When you bring your own, you’re never left scrambling.
Hold an NA Drink
Not only does it keep people from handing you alcohol, but it avoids the awkward “empty hands” feeling.
Have an Exit Strategy
Drive yourself. Don’t park where you can get blocked in. Pre-plan your excuse, your escape route, or your “friend who calls with an emergency.”
Future You will be very grateful.
Name Your Fears Before You Go
Text or call a sober supporter and say what’s worrying you.
Naming fears takes away half their power.
Decide on Your Line
Know what you’ll say when someone inevitably asks:
- “Do you want a drink?”
- “Why aren’t you drinking?”
- “C’mon, just one!”
Your response can be deeply honest, light and funny, or politely evasive. Survival, not transparency, is the goal.
Choose Events With Care
Pick gatherings where the activity isn’t just drinking.
Games, movies, dancing, food — these are much easier environments.
Default to “No” First
Your people-pleasing, ADHD brain may want to say yes to everything.
A default “no” gives you a moment to think before you commit.
Reframe the FOMO
It’s okay to miss parts of your old life.
Acknowledge the nostalgia… then remember what the whole picture looked like — not just the romanticized blur of early, blurry memories.
Then find joy in the parts of the present that you actually want to keep.
Debrief Afterward
Text a friend. Journal. Voice-note.
What was hard? What was easy? What surprised you?
Celebrate your wins. Feel your stupid feelings. Let go of the rest.
The Before-You-Go Checklist
Before you walk out the door, ask yourself:
- Did I eat?
- Did I pack my NA drinks?
- Do I have an exit strategy?
- Who are my support people tonight?
- Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? (H.A.L.T.)
If something feels wobbly, fix it before leaving — or give yourself permission to skip the event altogether.
No party is worth your sobriety.
The SOS Toolkit for Sobriety Triggers
If things get dicey mid-event, use these in-the-moment tools
A Grounding Routine
5 things you can see,
4 you can touch,
3 you can hear,
2 you can smell,
1 you can taste.
This snaps you out of the spiral and back into your body.
A Guided Meditation
Slip into the bathroom for five minutes and breathe.
(YouTube, Insight Timer — whatever you prefer.)
Escape + Breathe
Step outside if you can.
Try 4–7–8 breathing:
In for 4, hold for 7, out for 8.
Affirmations
“I’m okay.”
“I’m strong enough.”
“I can do this.”
Say them out loud or in your mind — whatever works.
Your Sober Support Network
Have MULTIPLE people you can text or call.
If one can’t answer, you have backups.
Crisis Hotlines & AA/Recovery Support
You are never “bothering” anyone.
There is always someone awake and willing to help.
Recognize the Lies Your Brain Tells You
The “just one drink” voice is cunning and sneaky.
It lies. Every time.
Remember H.A.L.T.
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired = weakened defenses.
Fix the need first, then reassess the feelings.
All of these live in your Emotional Survival Toolkit, so you can jump straight there anytime.
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SURVIVING THE REALLY HARD STUFF
On top of the average chaos and stress of the holiday season, many of us are carrying heavier things: grief, trauma, mental illness, loss, broken families, complicated histories, active addictions (our own or someone else’s), and anniversaries that still sting.
For me, one of those emotional landmines is my wedding anniversary — which lands just a few days before Christmas. Every year, I’m hit with memories of my old life when I thought I was at my happiest. Even after half a decade, it’s still a reminder of everything I lost to my addiction, and how different my life looks from the one I once imagined.
If I let myself, it’s incredibly easy to slip into negative self-talk.
It’s incredibly easy to believe that my pain is “stupid” because someone else out there has it worse.
It’s incredibly easy to tell myself I should just be grateful.
But here’s the truth — the one I have to remind myself of every single year:
Your pain is real. Your pain is valid. And your pain does not steal anything from anyone else.
There is no Pain Olympics.
There is no quota.
There is no “right” way to hurt.
Give Yourself Permission
The biggest gift you can give yourself — truly — is self-compassion.
You have permission to have a small holiday.
You have permission to have no holiday.
You have permission to skip traditions that make you ache.
You have permission to create new ones that meet you where you are.
You have permission to stop comparing your grief to someone else’s highlight reel.
You are allowed to feel whatever you feel. You don’t have to perform joy to make other people comfortable.
Create Rituals That Honor Your Heart
If the holidays bring up grief, loneliness, trauma, or complicated emotions, gentle rituals can help:
- Light a candle for someone you miss.
- Cook a meal that reminds you of a person or a time you loved.
- Write a letter you’ll never send.
- Take a walk and let the cold air hold some of your heaviness.
- Build a playlist for the version of you who needs comfort.
Nothing has to be big or dramatic — just honest.
Ask for Help (Really)
We all need help sometimes. And asking for it isn’t weakness — it’s connection.
Talk to a friend, a sibling, a parent, a sponsor, a therapist, a priest, a recovery group… anyone who can sit with you in your truth.
One of the very few things that consistently quiets the voice in my head that says I’m pointless and stupid is being deeply helpful to another human being. Helping people reminds me that my life has meaning. Helping people gets me out of my own head long enough for my heart to unclench.
If you’re in pain, please reach out.
If you’re struggling, tell someone.
If you feel alone, look for the helpers — they’re everywhere.
And if all else fails?
Help someone else.
Even a tiny, human act of kindness can pull you back from the edge.
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HOW TO RECOVER FROM A HOLIDAY RELAPSE
Sobriety is fucking hard.
Let’s start there.
Most sober people I know — myself included — don’t still have their original sobriety date. Relapse is common. Relapse is human. Relapse does not mean you’ve failed or that you’re incapable of long-term sobriety. It’s a setback, not a prophecy.
The holiday season, with its stress, lack of routine, emotional triggers, and endless booze-filled gatherings, can be one of the hardest times of year to maintain sobriety. If you slip, you’re not broken — you’re overwhelmed.
And overwhelmed people need support, not shame.
My Own Christmas Relapse
Back in 2019, I left inpatient treatment — rehab — on my wedding anniversary, a few days before Christmas. I had spent two months detoxing, processing, rebuilding, learning how to live without drinking.
And on Christmas Day, I relapsed.
Everyone around me was drinking or drunk. My life wasn’t magically fixed the way I hoped it would be. I found a bottle of vodka still hidden away from before I left. I was sad, lonely, confused, and scared.
So I drank about it.
The next three months were the worst of my life — a brutal cycle of white-knuckling sobriety, giving in to cravings, self-loathing, and trying again. It was hell. And I made it even worse by keeping it all a secret. I didn’t tell my therapist, my friends, the people in my support network — anyone. I had an “out loud” sobriety date I shared with others, and then the real one I kept hidden, which changed constantly.
That secrecy fed my shame, and my shame fed my drinking, until I was trapped in a rapidly accelerating spiral I could no longer escape on my own.
Eventually, though, I reached out for help. I was quite drunk when I finally did it — the lowered inhibitions and raw pain were the shove I’d been avoiding — but help was waiting for me.
I got sober again on April 1, 2020, when I checked myself back into the same rehab.
If relapse happens to you — whether it’s during the holidays or any other time — I want you to remember this:
Relapse is not the end of your story.
So What Do You Do If You Relapse?
1. Stop drinking or using as soon as you can, and recommit to your sobriety.
You don’t have to figure out the whole future. Just stop, pause, and take the next right step.
2. Acknowledge and accept your feelings — without judgment.
Easier said than done, I know. But talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend who’s hurting. You deserve that same mercy.
3. Talk TO SOMEONE about it, IMMEDIATELY.
Do not keep a relapse a secret.
Silence is where shame grows, and shame is where relapse multiplies.
Tell someone — anyone safe:
- a friend
- a sponsor
- your mom
- a therapist
- someone at a meeting
It doesn’t have to be eloquent. It doesn’t have to be sober. It doesn’t have to be pretty. It just has to be out loud.
When I finally reached out — a terrified, sloppy, drunk mess — everything shifted. A huge weight lifted off my chest. For the first time in months, I had hope that this wasn’t the end of my story.
That’s the power of speaking it: it breaks the spiral and makes connection possible again.
You don’t have to do this part alone.
“The opposite of addiction is not sobriety,
it is connection.”
Johann Hari in his 2015 TED Talk,
“Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong”
4. Try to understand what happened.
Not to punish yourself — to learn.
Look for the triggers, the stressors, the warning signs that led up to the slip.
Reflection builds awareness, not guilt.
5. Revise your sobriety plan.
This might look like:
- returning to inpatient or outpatient treatment
- working with a mental health professional
- adding new people to your support system
- adjusting your routines
- incorporating new strategies and tools
You’re not starting from zero — you’re troubleshooting.
6. Take care of your physical body.
Your brain and nervous system need rest and nourishment.
Eat. Hydrate. Sleep. Take gentle walks. Be kind to your body — it’s been through a lot.
7. Forgive yourself.
This part takes time, but it’s essential.
Relapse doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made.
Your sobriety date might restart, but you don’t.
Everything you’ve learned, built, and survived stays with you.
Relapse Does Not Mean You’re Broken
You are not weak.
You are not bad.
You are not beyond saving.
You are not a lost cause.
You are a human being dealing with something incredibly difficult — often with unimaginable courage.
There is more work to do, yes.
But there is also a whole community of people rooting for you, myself included.
I’m here for you.
I love you.
I believe in you.
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SURVIVING PHYSICALLY
One thing that tends to fall spectacularly apart for me during the holidays is my physical health. I eat more and move less. I forget to sleep, forget to hydrate, forget that my body is a living organism and not just a vibes vehicle. And while sleep, hydration, and avoiding H.A.L.T. come up all throughout this guide… there’s one physical topic we haven’t talked about yet.
And it’s one you absolutely, positively should not ignore.
Poop.
Yes. Poop.
Poop is a shockingly accurate indicator of your overall well-being, and everything about this season — the food, the travel, the stress, the disrupted routines, the sugar avalanche — can send your digestive system straight into chaos.
Trust me, you do not want to wait until your intestines are staging a rebellion. I’ve been there. I once had to buy laxative suppositories on a cruise ship. I have literally pooped my pants in an airport. This wisdom comes from experience, not theory.
So let’s talk about keeping things… moving.
{I’m still not a doctor. This is not medical advice.}
My #1 Holiday Poop Strategy: Fiber
Add a fiber supplement to your daily routine. Seriously. This is the least glamorous but most life-changing advice in this entire guide. Your future intestines will thank you.
My Tummy-Trouble Travel Kit
I never travel without:
- Tums
- Pepto
- Anti-diarrheal pills
- A gentle laxative
- Magnesium supplements (a very gentle “get things moving” assistant)
Because you really don’t want to be in a strange airport bathroom discovering you have one of the problems covered, but no solutions for the other.
Awareness Is Everything
You don’t have to obsess — just pay attention.
If something feels off:
- drink water
- eat something green
- take magnesium
- go for a walk
- adjust as needed
Your body is constantly giving you information. The more you tune in, the fewer disasters await you.
Why This Matters
We spend so much time trying to manage our emotions, our sobriety, our family dynamics, and our holiday expectations that we forget our bodies are participating, too. A regulated body makes for a regulated mind. And an unregulated digestive system? Well… that can ruin an entire day faster than Aunt Carol’s political opinions.
Take care of your body, and the rest of this season gets a whole lot easier.
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POST-HOLIDAY RECOVERY
No matter how good or bad the holiday season treats you, by the time the last cookie is gone and the final relative has left the building, you might feel… slightly unhinged.
I may not experience substance-related hangovers anymore, but I sure as shit feel the emotional hangover — not to mention the sugar bloat — come January. And honestly? Every year, I forget this is coming until it hits me like a sleigh to the face.
My best seasons are always the ones where I build in multiple mini-recoveries along the way, instead of throwing all my healthy habits out the window for six straight weeks and hoping for the best.
But whether you recover slowly or do it in one grand reset, here’s the system I use to put myself back together:
1. A Physical Reset
Your body has been through a lot: travel, stress, disrupted sleep, extra sugar, extra people, extra noise, extra everything.
A physical reset can feel like a miracle:
- Sleep — glorious, guilt-free sleep
- Hydrate like it’s your job
- Get light movement: a walk, gentle yoga, stretching
- Self-care rituals: bath, massage, face mask, steam room, whatever feels luxurious
- Eat a vegetable: or three. Your stomach will send you a handwritten thank-you note.
- Maybe try one or two days without sugar — not forever, just enough to help your body level out. (The cookies will still exist tomorrow.)
You’re not punishing yourself — you’re restoring yourself.
2. An Emotional Reset
Feelings are dumb and dramatic, but if you don’t deal with them, they will deal with you.
After so much stimulation — joy, conflict, travel, overstimulation, nostalgia, grief, strangers talking to you in airports — your nervous system needs a cool-down period.
Some ideas:
- Do a feelings check-in: What came up for you? What surprised you?
- Guided meditations: especially grounding or emotional balance ones
- Recovery meetings or sober check-ins: if applicable
- Journaling or voice notes: dump the chaos out of your brain and onto paper or audio
Feeling your feelings on purpose shortens the amount of time they ambush you later.
3. A Space Reset
After holidays, my house always looks like it’s been personally victimized by festive chaos.
A quick environment refresh works wonders:
- Tidy up
- Put things away
- Do laundry
- Change your sheets
- Light a candle
- Make your space feel like your sanctuary again
When your environment feels reset, your brain follows.
Why This Matters
Acknowledging the end of a season — naming it, resetting from it, closing the loop — is crucial. When I don’t do this, I wander around for a week or two feeling weird, sad, tired, and vaguely annoyed at existence… until I remember:
“Oh right. This happens every year.”
A reset creates the emotional punctuation mark that lets you begin whatever comes next.
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BETWEEN ONE SEASON AND THE NEXT
Every year, I ride the same emotional roller coaster that is the holiday season. I look forward to some parts and dread others. I build up expectations. I have imaginary arguments with my family weeks before I even see them. I eat too much, move too little, cry at least once, and end up with a full-blown emotional hangover by New Year’s.
And every year, I somehow forget that this is exactly how it always goes.
But this year?
This year we’re going in with our eyes wide open.
We’re prepared for laughter and tears, canceled flights, weird weather, sideways family dynamics, too many cookies, not enough sleep, too much stimulation, and at least one existential spiral at 2 a.m. We’re also prepared for the magic — the small, surprising moments of joy that only happen when we show up exactly as we are.
We have our coping strategies, our boundaries, our NA beverages, and our noise-canceling earplugs.
We know how to regulate our nervous systems, take our micro-escapes, and walk away from conversations that will only end in regret.
We’re practicing mindfulness and forgiveness and acceptance — including toward ourselves.
We’re learning to ignore great aunt Irma and her unsolicited commentary, or at least avoid her path of destruction entirely.
We’re packing our stretchiest pants, our simplest expectations, and all the self-love we can muster.
We recognize that progress IS perfection.
We take care of ourselves.
We take care of each other.
And we remember that no matter how chaotic the season gets, we do not have to abandon ourselves in the process.
So stay curious.
Stay grounded.
And for the love of god — don’t forget the snacks.
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